Lessons from Reality TV

Since I’m told we live in a democracy, I’d like to make a suggestion. With important financial reform currently being considered, I propose an immediate mandate that President Obama, his cabinet, and all members of the U.S. Senate and House assemble on the floor of the Capitol Building, lock themselves inside with three tons of Orville Redenbacher popcorn (that should cover Barney Frank), 552 sleeping bags (that should cover Barney Frank!), and watch the last two seasons of Survivor from start to finish uninterrupted. It’ll be just like that scene from Grease where are all the chicks are hanging around in their curlers and nighties, impromptu pillow fights and gossip galore, spontaneous outbursts into songs about boys and fiscal policy. Totally boss! Check your pulse if the image of a Pelosi/Clinton lingerie pillow fight doesn’t get your juices flowing.

So why Survivor? Well, for those of you who don’t watch it, it’s very entertaining and the last two seasons in particular have been off the charts fun. And with all the excellent work our representatives have been doing in Washington, I just thought they deserved a reward/break. But seriously folks… A guy named Russell Hantz is the reason the show’s been so great lately. And our representatives would be wise to familiarize themselves with this man as they consider financial reform.

To the uninitiated, the basic idea of the show is to be the last person standing. The way to do it, is to not get voted off by your fellow tribesmen, make the finals, and then get the people that have been voted off to award you a million bucks over the other finalist(s) sitting next to you. And that’s the real trick. How do you get the people who you kicked off to turn around and hand you a million bucks?

Don’t ask Hantz because he sure as shit couldn’t tell you. Having made the final two seasons in a row (an historic achievement), Hantz received only two votes last season and not a single vote for the million this season. That’s really bad.

Now for anyone who’s seen him play, Hantz not getting any votes is about as shocking as Rush reneging on his promise to move to Costa Rica if the healthcare bill passed. (I guess he hates brown people more than Socialism after all. But oh the poor Costa Ricans! How will they manage without his Royal Lardness seething at them over the airwaves betwixt ravenous potato chip and opiate binges? Pray for syndication compadres! On the flip side, it would have been fascinating to see how he handled issues of immigration in Costa Rica, considering he’d be one himself and the whole brown/white dynamic would be reversed. Maybe if Obama is successful in banning salt (or chubby unwarranted arrogance) we’ll get to find out. Probably a long shot though.)

But enough about fat assholes. The reason Russell Hantz didn’t get any votes is that he’s a gargantuan dickhole of the first order. Not only is he unable to disguise it, he’s downright proud of it! As I watched him take dirty play to depths previously unreached, even by Tonya Harding standards, I couldn’t help but feel that this guy reminded me of someone. Week after week he’d lie, bully, manipulate, and coerce adversaries and allies alike with a giant shit eating grin plastered across his smug troll face the entire time. So two years in a row he makes the final, and two years in a row he loses in a rout, seeing no love from those he so gleefully screwed over.

But man did he play hard. There was nothing he wouldn’t do to make it through another vote. No lie he wouldn’t tell, no promise he wouldn’t make, no ally he wouldn’t backstab. He bent every single rule the game had and violated every moral code known to man and was an asshole about it the whole time, but never actually broke any rules. And regret? Ahh, you gotta be kidding me, regret is for wimps. “I don’t regret anything I did in the game” said Hantz in an interview.

At a certain point during the season it all clicked for me. This guy IS corporate America incarnate. The game of Survivor is the United States, where the corporations come to battle it out with one another. Hantz is the reason I shiver when I hear guys like Paul Ryan call for the deregulation of markets. As it is these people have no issue breaking a law or skirting a regulation if the cost/benefit ratio is favorable. And you want to reduce the incentive they have not to fuck the rest of us over? HAS THE WHOLE WORLD GONE CRAZY?!

It’s tough to wrap your head around the fact that, anatomy aside, conservative, free market worshiping businessmen are in fact alien beings compared to anyone else. Apart from masturbating to Atlas Shrugged, they just don’t see the world or life in the same way that the rest of us do. To them, money is God, exalted to its full extent; life is a currency comprised of time; the world, the grid iron where the game is played out. You don’t live or grow, you win or lose.

To illustrate this point I’d like to call on my favorite subject to serve as an example. I remember watching a panel about political issue framing that featured, among others, my absolute favorite conservative cheesedick and everyone’s favorite butch lesbian pollster, Frank Luntz. During the introductions, Luntz notices George Soros sitting in the audience. Giddy as a schoolgirl, Luntz can hardly contain himself. Ignoring the purpose of the introductions entirely, Luntz is so excited he nearly pees his pants in front of the audience. Channeling his inner Rip Taylor, Luntz gushes, “Oh my God, George Soros! I’ve never been this close to so much money in my life!” Giggling nervously to himself, “Adopt me, please!” More fidgety giggling. Everyone watching feels dirty just having witnessed it.

When the goal is to make as much money as possible and life is approached as a game that’s played to win or lose, money is deified and anything goes in pursuit of it. For Luntz, Soros is a demigod because he has so much money. Indeed the conservative exaltation of capital trumps even their hatred for liberals! What does that tell you about the true nature of the ideology?

Guys like Hantz and Luntz are the reason we need strong regulations. Here’s how it works. We determine the rules of engagement, and the corporations –just like Hantz- do everything they can to win within the confines of that system (best case scenario!). The more you relax the rules, the further they’ll go. These people aren’t restrained by morality, they’re restrained only by regulation, and many times not even that. The universal truth is that when profit is exalted and greed glorified, competitors in the market will always play the game as hard as they can, pushing the rules to the absolute limits, violating moral and ethical conduct along the way (only because we can’t regulate it), and many of them downright breaking the rules when the risk/reward ratio calls for it. It’s how Hantz plays, it’s how Wall Street plays.

These guys are animals, killers, predators. They’re nothing like us. When you cage them, they hurl themselves against the bars trying to escape, but bound by the steel confines the zookeeper lives. Remove the cage, and the zookeeper’s hat will enjoy a pleasant cruise down a digestive tract.

So, like Hantz, they play as hard as they can, justifying any unsavory actions and alleviating any burdensome guilt by reminding themselves that it’s a competition, the goal is to win, and that they’re playing within the rules of it. They delude themselves further in their subscription to an ideology that tells them that to behave as selfishly as possible is the most noble of actions. That their selfishness will ultimately serve the greater good. Their justification is the same as Hantz’s. “It’s a game.”

And, like the US corporate sector, if the rules of the game aren’t to your liking, just lobby to get them changed! Hantz did just that on the results show after he found out he failed to receive a single vote for the million. “I believe there is a flaw in the system” he said, and then proceeded to make a transparent, feeble, self serving case to Survivor Host Jeff Probst to alter the entire structure of the game (in tact for twenty seasons) to better suit Hantz’s win at all costs style of play. Sound familiar? Luckily for fans of the show, the host of Survivor isn’t as stupid (or buyable) as the United States Government. Unlike the successes corporations have had lobbying for the repeal of Glass Steagall (among many, many others), Hantz was shrugged off by Probst who clearly found the plea pathetic and laughable. If only the Fed answered to the host of Survivor.

Capitalism is wise in that it respects the nature of humankind. We all have different goals and dreams and motivations, and ultimately we do act in our self interest (though that’s not necessarily synonymous with selfishness). Market economies and private ownership allow us to pursue those ends as we see fit. But relaxing regulations on markets is to ignore the nature of humankind. Sometimes, we can get carried away and become single minded in the pursuit of our objectives. The rules need to be there to discourage behavior driven by our darker nature. It’s naive to believe that we’re all identical and that we all have the same goals, but it’s equally naive to worship a free market system and believe that it somehow extracts the best from us while suppressing the worst. We’ve seen the extreme results of both, and neither is desirable.

In Hantz, we’ve been given a two season glimpse into the psyche of the modern businessman. Take a long, hard look at him when you’re considering legislation. This is the guy you have to legislate for. He’s the one you’re up against. He’s playing as hard as he can. He doesn’t care what he has to do to win. He doesn’t care who is in his way. He doesn’t care what anyone thinks about him. He’ll try to change the rules if they don’t suit him. He’ll do whatever it takes to achieve his objective. He has no conscience, no regret, no friends. “It’s a game” he’ll tell you.

Fine. Then Obama and crew need to make sure that the rules of the game are rigid and the police are awake and alert because we’ve seen the effects that game play like this has on lives and the environment when the rules are flaccid and the cops are asleep at the wheel. Enron? Halliburton? AIG? Goldman Sachs? Is any of this ringing a bell? So please do us all a favor and take a long look at Hantz. This is the dark side of man run amok. Regulate for it please.

And as with all reality shows there needs to be a shocking and dramatic finale, so here it is. What does Russell Hantz do for a living? He owns a multi-million dollar oil company! You can’t make this stuff up! Hey Russ, you wouldn’t have any rigs down in the Gulf that we should know about, would ya?