Palin Sells Out Cohorts

Sarah Palin Announces She’s Not Running for President and Gives Away the Game… Again


Sarah Palin announced today that she won’t be seeking the nation’s highest office. Hmmm… How shall I put this? I’ll go with... THANKYOUJESUSFUCKYES!

Truth be told, I’m not one of those guys who thinks it would be awesome to have Palin run because it would be an easy victory and, more importantly, hilarious. Call me an old maid; I stick by the tried and true, “keep lunatics as far away from the world’s most powerful office as possible” maxim. Even if there were only a five percent chance that she’d get elected, that’s way too much for my liking. I’ll play it safe and sacrifice all the fun we could have had watching her nervously fumble through geography questions a monkey could answer.

Now, her explanation for not running is that she can be more helpful getting other Republicans elected to important seats. This is obviously pure horseshit and we’ve seen it all before from her. This is the same noble patriot who quit her governorship for a TV deal let’s not forget. And it’s the same reason she won’t run for President. She can make more money on Fox.

So what does this say about her? Well, for one, it means that everything she says is total bullshit. Not only is she lying about her reasons for not directly participating in politics—again—but for all her talk about how dangerous Obama is and how beatable he is, she won’t run against him. Why not?

Let’s think this through from Palin’s point of view. If you were one of the most popular politicians in your party and had spent the last few years trying to take down the leading member of the opposing party—all the while claiming patriotic motivations for doing so—and you had a legitimate chance to unseat the man who you believed responsible for systematically destroying your country, would you step up?

Welp, if you answered no, as Palin did, then you’re no patriot. Who, who has the power to stop such a pernicious force could sit idly by and allow it to continue and still call herself a patriot? Nobody on the Right is confident that this gaggle of half broken losers—Republican candidates—has any chance to beat Obama, whatever their rhetoric. That was given away in their incessant clamoring for Chris Christie to run. So Palin can’t claim she’s not running because she’s confident the Republicans will take back the executive. Clearly she’s willing to cede Obama another four years.

What this means is that not only does Sarah Palin not give a shit about liberals—duh—but she doesn’t give a shit about Conservatives either! How could she if she’ll let Obama continue to dismantle this free market utopia where we should all be free to gloriously beat the shit out of each other in pursuit of profits just as the Founders intended? In her mind, this is supposed to be a land where opportunity thrives, a land where the best government is no government. In theory, this is supposed to allow more of us to prosper. Obama is supposedly fucking that up. So why won’t she help? Why won’t she run?

The reason is—and this is true of all Conservatives today—that once they’ve gotten theirs, the rest of you are on your own! She’s got her gig. She’s making her dough. And for all her talk about how important this country is to her, she won’t step up to the plate to help her fellow Conservatives out. This is the new America. Find out a way to make some cash, hold on to your position tightly, and try not to fuck it up. This is the same strategy employed on Wall Street by the way. She’s making bank and she’s not about to risk that. Not for her party, not for her country, not for God, not for everyday normal Americans, and certainly not for you.

Sadly, those in the upper echelons of the Conservative Party understand all of this. If they share any concrete belief it’s that this country exists as a means to get rich. They don’t begrudge anyone for winning the game, as Palin has. And those on the bottom totally buy her, “You betcha!” populist bullshit, so there won’t be any fallout for her. Which is too bad because if I were a Conservative I’d be pissed, and demand that she defend herself, and as a Liberal, I’d love to see it.

In fact, if any Conservative were logically savvy enough to take her to task for her hypocrisies and had the stones to do it, she wouldn’t have a leg to stand on. The only defense she could even hope to muster for completely selling out her beliefs, her party, and the regular Americans she claims to speak for, is that she’s so fucking stupid that she actually thinks a pundit is more powerful than the President of the United States (which means that she believes that in her current position she is the most powerful person in the world.) The, “No, no, wait, I really am that stupid!” defense is not exactly a proven winner however.

If she truly believes that, then she has to back away from her relentless attacks of Obama. After all, why so vehemently attack a person in a position less powerful than that of a pundit? Why not go after someone with real power like Rachel Maddow or Jon Stewart? Or why not just crush the puny President under the weight of your awesome pundit might? Or, if she doesn’t really believe it—and if she’s the patriot she claims to be—then SHE HAS TO RUN. It’s so simple even she could understand it. Either the President is the most powerful person in America or he is not. But he can’t be both.

Palin’s selfish behavior is what you get when your ideology boils down to individualism on human growth hormone. This glue huffing skanky librarian reveals yet again what it truly means to be a Conservative today. Me, me, only me, and fuck you.

In related news Steve Jobs died today and the first thought of thousands of assholes everywhere was whether or not they should sell their stock in Apple. We are a very sick nation.